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Quickie

Jul. 18th, 2017 | 10:29 pm

Wow, it's hard to believe how little I've updated. I can only update a bit, because I have work to do. I've been busy and stressed. I still have a night ahead.

Max's passing happened one year ago yesterday. It still stings quite a bit. I would love to have him sleeping on my bed at night and greeting me after getting home from work. Of course, I now live in an apartment that prohibits pets. Well, they did make an exception for my turtle. It just feels lonely.

I'm still doing the coffee gig. I really need out. I know that I've said that before, but dang. The freelance work helps to support my self-esteem. I just need that elusive permanent gig.

Anyway, I have to get back to work. Leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Remember When

May. 30th, 2017 | 05:24 pm

I'm on the cusp of leaving behind a "remember when" period. Most of my stuff is at my new apartment, From February 2014 until now, I have been living with Amy and then my friend in houses, a departure from apartment life. I'll need to take some time to ruminate these past few years and try to make sense of all that has happened. It's been weird, interesting, stressful, confusing, and a number of other descriptors that certainly apply. It's absolutely surreal.

It occurred to me yesterday that I haven't seen Amy since April of last year. That's an interesting thought. I don't miss her, but she was a major figure in my life for a few years. By moving away from this area, I am leaving behind of what is left from that relationship. A piece of me wants to meet for coffee once to bring a little more closure to this time. Then again, maybe it's just curiosity.

My favorite quote from The Office was when Andy said, "I wish there was a way to know when you're in the good old days before you actually left them." That may actually be my favorite quote in anything. I wouldn't call these last years "the good old days", but there was some good that came from them. Perhaps, my first step is to identify that.

I guess that's it for now. I need to finish moving. For some reason, the thought of moving there terrifies me a little. Things like this shouldn't be this way. After all, many people relish the experience of a fresh start. This will undoubtedly be a new chapter, and I am taking the rare moment to recognize it. Within a few hours, the setting where I am now writing this post will transition into another "remember when" period, and I will go to bed during the start of my next step.

Leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Another Transition

May. 25th, 2017 | 11:32 pm

There are many other tasks I could be tackling now, but I felt I needed to stop and journal. My last entry was Valentine's Day. This long of an absence is uncharacteristic. I've been very busy. I have not been great about getting rest, either. I decided to stop everything and just write.

I'm moving. Actually, I'm in the process of moving. It's elsewhere in the city, closer to where I was when I arrived. I tried to get roomy floors in houses or a spot in a duplex, but they were in high demand. My applications seemed to always be beaten by just one person, so I'm in an apartment. The building isn't that large. Half is occupied by established residents and the other med students. It's quiet, and with an irregular schedule, that's good. The handyman is clearly of Hispanic origin but with a hybrid accent, crossing East LA with Minnesota. It's a bizarre combo, holmes, eh?

My friend had been planning to renovate his home, so I am venturing back into the world. I also came to the realization that this was my first solo effort to finding a place to live. I don't consider university housing to fall into this category. I let Angela do the research on a few places. I found my way to Amy's home due to circumstances. My friend offered a room in his to get away from Amy. Somehow, oddly, this was my first solo effort. There was no parent, institution, friend, girlfriend, fiancee, or wife to guide me. I find it astounding.

I guess that I'm transitioning again, and like other transitions, there is apprehension. Moves always seem to conjure memories. Yes, my thoughts have been on Angela, where they normally never drift there. The drive to work is a little longer. I'm leaving behind a Hy-Vee and Family Video. I realize how odd this sounds, but they are both central presences in my hometown. There is something comforting about them.

On the other hand, staying away from my original neighborhood and leaving behind the area where Amy lives might be a good mental break. I'm still working as an assistant manager at the coffee shop. My head is clearly not in the right place, if this is where I am still finding myself. I am well beyond this level of work. I suppose time will reveal how all of this might help. At least, I'm within close proximity to another friend in the new neighborhood.

Leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Valentine's Day

Feb. 14th, 2017 | 08:43 pm

For the first time in a few years, I had no one for Valentine's Day. It has actually been eight years since I had a proper one. Seven years ago, Angela left. That's a terrible day to leave. I suppose the best approach is to ignore the day, unless there is a reason to address it. You wouldn't celebrate an anniversary without a spouse or Hanukkah without being Jewish.

I had a coworker in college, who had a drunk friend profess his love to her. The next day, she dumped her boyfriend. That was February 13th. He was apparently very unhappy. I suppose it was over the phone. The following day, Valentine's Day, she received a package in the mail full of sweet Valentine's gifts. She said that she was shocked by her drunk friend's confessions, but to drop a long-term relationship the way she did to pursue it, she must have had something for him, too. They did get married.

Anyway, leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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My Admission

Feb. 9th, 2017 | 09:05 pm

I saw the last of the daylight of this year of age for me. I suppose if I'm going to have a milestone birthday, having it on the same day as a full moon, lunar eclipse, and the passing of a green comet makes it a little epic.

Follow me on this. When I first got sick, it was from a massive auto-immune response after chemical exposure. I woke after three days, missing most of my memory after I took an intentional overdose of powerful chemo to stop it. I continued to get heavy treatment for a few years, before I got treatment to properly address it and the newly-discovered strains of Lyme disease. After a drug interaction, I lost my kidneys and was kept alive by a machine for a few years before my transplant. All this time, I pushed myself to continue going to school, regardless of what my doctors said. When the smoke cleared, I was nearly 25.

If you take away the years of memory loss and the time spent going through heavy medical care, I wouldn't be old enough to drink. I stopped sharing my age, when I turned 18. I couldn't identify with those my own age and was saddened that others were fully experiencing this important time of life, while I was at home fighting my health battles. During my initial recovery, I watched cartoons with my siblings and developed memories around them. I couldn't remember the cartoons from my years. There is a bit of a gap between me and my siblings.

As you might guess, it's tough to talk about my age due to the lost time, lost memories, and not feeling that I should be at this point. I'm scared and very anxious. Today has been incredibly difficult for me. Tomorrow, I turn 40.

I'm not sure how that number is supposed to feel, but I don't feel as though I'm feeling it. There is so much I want to do, but those around me have hit the gradual slide of resignation. Concerts don't seem as appealing to them. Impulsive outings are no longer options. That, in itself, makes things feel a bit stark. More than ever, I desperately want to finally find my path. I've been in flux for too long.

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A Little Relief

Feb. 2nd, 2017 | 10:24 pm

Do you ever watch movies or listen to music to reminisce? I came to the realization recently that I do a whole lot of that, more than I previously realized. I have a number of songs and movies that can only be considered as basically terrible but also some really good stuff. I do have music that I like, but it feels as though looping back to the memory stuff has inhibited my search for other music, of which I have been doing more.

My one brother will not be facing attempted murder charges but is facing two years in prison. If he is able to get passed this, my sister is bringing him to Minnesota on her move. That way, there will be two of us to offer assistance, and he will not have the previous problem crowd influencing him.

That is it for the evening. I need to sleep. I also need to find time to relax. Holy crap. Anyway, leave a message if you wish. Later.

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Distance of Memories

Jan. 24th, 2017 | 11:45 pm

Today would be Angela's birthday. The impact of these memorable dates have lessened over time. As I've previously mentioned, I no longer reflect much outside of this blog, but when I do, I still feel a little astonished that I had that life. Perhaps, I still feel a little astonished, because I don't take the time to reflect. That seems lamely philosophical. It's still a sad reality. I think I need a little light therapy. I'll call about that tomorrow.

My sister visited my grandmother's old house. The workers showed what they were doing for renovations. It sounds cool, but the reality is that the interior will look little like it did before. Those are memories. It's interesting to think about someone new owning the home for the first time in close to 70 years. Wow. The familiar fruit trees are now all gone, as well. It's a strange reality. It also doesn't help that my grandmother is still missing from half the family.

Life really does look very, very different from not that long ago.

My brother's trial is Friday. I still don't know all the details. I think that I need to find the time to travel home and have a come-to-Jesus meeting with him. Even if it doesn't come to the big potential charge, he needs to realize that his choices now will affect a lot in his future.

Anyway, that's where I am. Well, I did have an issue while grabbing a drive-thru order for someone. A customer kept talking about the size of the sign. At this point, I turned on the camera to project a view of myself. She said, "Oh my, God. You're huge!" My reply was, "That's what she, umm, *clears throat*, I'm kind of tall in real life."

Leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Unfortunate and Completely Unexpected

Jan. 19th, 2017 | 10:30 pm

This evening, I got a call from an unknown number. It was from the county jail in my hometown. My little brother was on the other end. He woke on the cold floor of a cell with cuts apparently all over his body. He didn't remember anything. He has been having issues with alcohol consumption. He wanted to my advice and also to see if I could reach my sister for bail.

I talked to my sister, and she called the jail to find out more. He apparently may be charged with atttempted murder. He attacked someone in his apartment building while very inebriated. He had a knife. That's all I really know, other than the person attacked is apparently okay.

I wish I was talking about my slightly interesting trip to the dentist or my thoughts on getting a day lamp, as my SAD is a bit more problematic than other years. Instead, I am wondering what to do in this situation. I suppose that there is very little that I can do, but that isn't going to slow down my brain much.

I'm hoping that he may be able to get a temporary insanity ruling. He has been diagnosed with PTSD over difficulties with my mother's death. Perhaps this will help lend to this. That wasy, he would be institutionalized. There, he could get some much-needed therapy and rehabilitation.

Anyway, leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Ready to Go

Jan. 16th, 2017 | 08:18 pm

I sometimes wonder if someone somewhere has a crush on me. There was a time when this was something of a constant. I went through a rough patch, and then it came to light that someone else did after I started to emerge. Right now, I haven't noticed, but then again, I'm not necessarily the best at telling. I've been surprised more than once at confessions of attraction or love from a girl. It just feels like I'm in another rut with my employment situation and frozen social life this winter that I need a bit of a boost like this. Does that make sense?

Perhaps, this is a signal that, yes, I'm ready to date again. I have apprehensions around where I am in life and how that would be received. I also don't want to end up with another Amy. I don't think that this will actually ever be an issue. I'm not in a position, where I'm dating too soon and could potentially have an ex-wife pass during the experience. I'm a bit more centered, right now.

I'm making more steps to look for work again. If need be, I'll even take a job in finance if nothing else can be found. I'm interviewing. I'm networking again. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook. Interviewers can sense attitude like bees can smell fear. I went to a networking meeting today. I'll be having coffee with some folks in the near future. Hopefully, this effort will be more fruitful.

Anyway, there is actually much more happening in my life, but I need to get to bed. I plan on forcing myself to work tomorrow. I open, after all. Yay for a 4:30 am start to my day. Anyway, leave a comment if you wish. Peace.

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My 2017 Resolutions

Dec. 30th, 2016 | 04:03 pm

Ah, resolutions. Of course, I have them. I even made a list, a doable list. This is one that I'll repeatedly reference throughout the year.

Explore more music, whether local bands, composers, or on Spotify. I am a musician, after all.

Meditate. It seems to have helped so far.

Keep a gratitude journal. It can't hurt.

Relearn man-skills. I used to know how to do more, then I lost most of it in the hospital. I need to relearn how to fix and stuff.

Read more. Is it possible to do 12 fiction and 12 non-fiction in a year? Sure it is, but I have to stay on top of it.

Unplug more. I find myself checking social media more than one should. When you’re stuck at home and bored, you see what others are doing. What I really want to do is something more with my time.

Practice. My arm was limiting, but this year should be better. While I'm at it, I should also play a little piano. I'm thinking along the lines of the Cheers theme, some of Bach's Goldberg Variations, Heart and Soul, Linus and Lucy, a pop tune, and some arrangement of Pachelbel's Kanon. Girls seem to like the latter.

Get back into shape. See arm. I love to work out. It’s almost pathological. I used to tell people that I did it to look good naked. That was only partly true. It allowed me to burn through stress, reflect, and generally feel better.

Declutter. I have stuff, too much stuff. My work space looks like I was a victim of a home robbery. They say it’s a symptom of being creative/smart/whatever, but I feel better the more things are organized.

Unleash my inner cinephile. I was a rabid movie watcher. Since I have not had a regular companion to watch movies, I have stopped doing it nearly as much. It’s time to find a solution.

Write more. I do a lot, but I need to do more for leisure.

Be epic. I have been transfixed on a lot of things and this isn’t one of them. I used to have a more interesting life. It’s time to reclaim that and do cool shit.

Sort my life. This includes my career, relationships, geography, path, and everything else with that. Figure out the WTF happening. There’s a lot of that, and I’ve let it slide to the back of my consciousness way too much.

Make some friends. My circle seems to have steadily shrunk, and I crave social interactions more than most. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but I need to make some step, any step to make it happen.

Ask someone else out. I’m not unique in wanting someone special in my life. It’s easy enough to make finding that person a resolution. It’s harder to put in the work to do it. I also don’t want to use a website or an app. I want to make this an organic process. Swiping and messaging are lame. There is a thrill in asking face-to-face.

Try new things. I love trying new things. I need to do more of that, with or without somebody.

Submit a piece of music for publication.

Finally get an ugly Christmas sweater. I have close to a year. If I have to commission a hipster to fucking knit one, I’ll do it.

Get all those other Christmas movies I’ve been wanting.

Reconnect with Facebook friends, even over coffee.

Network more.

Find a home for George. My turtle might like to have friends through someone part of the area turtle society.

Get more creative with social media. I’ve worked on it, but I still have room for improvement.

Cook more. I got lazy after leaving Amy, and I’m not sure why. I used to cook a lot.

Address my clothing style more. I’ve let that get lax.

Get out more. Holy shit. Without Max, that has decreased, but it had gone downhill anyway. I need more to do.

Confidence-building activities. Some of these will likely work with other items on this list. It’s weird, but one thing that often entered my mind was whether or not I was good enough for someone. I would compare my “resume” to theirs. How many friends does she have? What has she done? How interesting is she? I’m not sure how this suddenly started, but it’s something that needs to go away. There was a time, when my life is what drew people to me.

Get away from working at a chain coffee shop. Enough said. I still wonder if I haven't been getting in my own way with this. It really, really does need to get sorted.

I want my charm and charisma back. Oh, I have my moments, but I still don’t command these characteristics like I once could. Instead of reminiscing, maybe it’s time I sorted this.

I need to write down the stories of my mom and grandma. They told stories of little me that I can’t remember. With my memory loss, hearing them was always a big deal. I should also journal what I remember about them. With the family so split, these recollections may be the best I’ll ever have.

Address those things that I’ve dreamt of doing. People have more aspirations than they ever let the rest of the world know. Perhaps, I should give some a try.

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