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My Admission

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Feb. 9th, 2017 | 09:05 pm

I saw the last of the daylight of this year of age for me. I suppose if I'm going to have a milestone birthday, having it on the same day as a full moon, lunar eclipse, and the passing of a green comet makes it a little epic.

Follow me on this. When I first got sick, it was from a massive auto-immune response after chemical exposure. I woke after three days, missing most of my memory after I took an intentional overdose of powerful chemo to stop it. I continued to get heavy treatment for a few years, before I got treatment to properly address it and the newly-discovered strains of Lyme disease. After a drug interaction, I lost my kidneys and was kept alive by a machine for a few years before my transplant. All this time, I pushed myself to continue going to school, regardless of what my doctors said. When the smoke cleared, I was nearly 25.

If you take away the years of memory loss and the time spent going through heavy medical care, I wouldn't be old enough to drink. I stopped sharing my age, when I turned 18. I couldn't identify with those my own age and was saddened that others were fully experiencing this important time of life, while I was at home fighting my health battles. During my initial recovery, I watched cartoons with my siblings and developed memories around them. I couldn't remember the cartoons from my years. There is a bit of a gap between me and my siblings.

As you might guess, it's tough to talk about my age due to the lost time, lost memories, and not feeling that I should be at this point. I'm scared and very anxious. Today has been incredibly difficult for me. Tomorrow, I turn 40.

I'm not sure how that number is supposed to feel, but I don't feel as though I'm feeling it. There is so much I want to do, but those around me have hit the gradual slide of resignation. Concerts don't seem as appealing to them. Impulsive outings are no longer options. That, in itself, makes things feel a bit stark. More than ever, I desperately want to finally find my path. I've been in flux for too long.

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