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Nov. 27th, 2016 | 10:38 pm

Today would be my dad's 90th birthday. Holy cow. He was basically a piece of history and easily old enough to be a grandparent. In fact, my maternal grandpa and him were both enlisted during World War II, and my grandpa was relatively old to be my grandparent. It's an odd thought. He clearly had a way with women.

I was pondering recently about the assessment of a career expert. He mentioned over a year ago that my StrengthsFinder results pointed to someone with a lot of acquaintances but only a few friends. It recently occured to me that my dad was exactly the same way. Good grief. Is this stuff genetic? To be clear, I'm not particularly thrilled that I am this way.

Anyway, I have to go to bed. I need another car. My current one has been having a lot of issues. I can't afford an upgrade, but it needs to be done. It's just a shame that I spent so much on it, and the core problem, whatever that may be, was never found. Anyway, leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Snowy Night and an Update

Nov. 22nd, 2016 | 10:13 pm

I have so much to do, but I decided that I have spent enough time away from this journal. I've been very busy. Once I have finished all that I can fit into a day, I go to bed and rise early the next day to start again. By the way, my GI issues from my last journal was from a modest case of lactose intolerance and my consumption of a whole lot of dairy.

It's snowing. It was sleeting. That means that I'm sleeping later tomorrow, because I don't want to deal with an ice rink for a road, when I return home for Thanksgiving. I suppose, regardless, my drive home from my concert wasn't too bad. The audience was sparse due to the weather.

What has become my primary job has sucked my will to enjoy doing anything with coffee. The company powers seem like they want me to take a store sooner than later, and by that, I mean rather soon. I have also been interviewing again. The realization hit me that I am somewhere I really shouldn't be. Most of the other people in management positions are there for reasons other than mine. They get excited when the CEO sends a message. I can't stand him. They use branded language. I have to dumb down my langauge for them to follow. I shouldn't be there. I need an out.

I also still haven't asked anyone out. There, of course, is one, but I want nothing to do with texting an invite. That sucks. Couple that with rules of fraternization at stores, and it becomes tricky. Life seems unnecessarily complicated, right now.

Oh, yeah, my car has been having issues. I've had three things fixed on it. I really need that new job.

I wish that I had something a little more fun, but between the coffee job and freelancing, I don't have much time. Other things have not fallen into a workable place. I need an adventure or, at least, something positively memorable. Anyway, as always, leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Issues and Coolness

Oct. 12th, 2016 | 07:29 pm

I've been having stomach problems for a while. Here's a TMI: A medication caused,well, bowel irregularities. A few weeks is a few too many to wait. My stomach has been acidic. I think I caught a stomach bug, complete with fever and my previous abdominal issue is partly resolved. I may need to go to the doctor to find why my stomach is still so problematic. Perhaps some of it is stress. I just really, really want it remedied, as my Zantac isn't doing much to help it.

In other news, I suggest to my old manager this afternoon that we should catch up in a non-work related outing, so to speak. She said that sounded good and to contat her with my thoughts. This was at the end of a day-long area work gathering and with still no word on whether I may or may not return there temporarily. I chose my words carefully.

Well, I have to get to bed. I have to open in the morning and run to an interview afterward. Leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Always a Bridesmaid

Oct. 7th, 2016 | 11:10 pm

I've been busy, like busy, busy. I've been busy with work, busy with other work, busy with my own writing, busy with trying to relax, and busy trying to find something to do. I guess I've been busy trying to find a point of contentment. That point would be better employed with better relationships.

I was hoping to get another job, but like so many other rounds of interviews, I was the runner-up. How on earth do I consistently end up the second pick? I think part of the problem is that I had my final interview so early in a process that had the final-round candidates have their last round over the course of a month, and I was one of the first. A recruiter actually arranged this interview for me and said that she was given feedback that I was the top candidate until the end. Boo.

I inverviewed with two dudes, too. I figured that if there was ever a decent chance in all of this, it would be now. I have inerviewed with so many women, and they only hire other women. True story. Who would have thought that women would utterly dominate marketing? I need to find a sexist field that favors men, because I'm clearly having issues in one that favors women.

In other news, I've spent the last month training to be a store manager with a completely inept trainer. How bad is it? It's a 30-day program that should have concluded, and I now have to start another 30 days due to where I am. It's ridiculous. I am so far behind, and I really, really don't like being behind.

What would make it a little better is if I could go do something with someone. That's been a struggle, too. Fairs, festivals, and movies have passed, and I wasn't able to find someone with whom to attend. This used to be a lot easier. It really is getting tougher. I do get out but not to the big things. I need an adventure dammit.

Anyway, that's some of where I am. Of course, there's more. I'll try to catch up with others soon. As for now, i really need to go to bed. Oh, my freelance boss and his boss have been missing and non-responsive on the last leg of their business trip. I'll get to more of that. Anyway, leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Moving towards Point C

Sep. 9th, 2016 | 07:16 pm

Do memories ever smack you upside the head? Mine did this morning. I was driving down a stretch of highway that I have not frequented in a while and remembered how Angela and I would drive that stretch to go to Mall of America, when we didn't have a lot of money. A lot rushed back to me at once, and I again pondered how I went from point A to point B. The reality is that I now rarely think of her, but with everything happening with my family recently, I suppose this was a suitable time.

What I said to my family would eventually happen actually happened. My grandmother's home is gone. My siblings are sharing a place before they will soon scatter to their own in the next month. There is no longer a central spot for holidays and gatherings. Home, as we knew it, has passed. Ultimately, I think it is good for them, as it forces them to be truly in the wide world. On the other hand, damn.

I will soon be leaving my coffee shop and going elsewhere for training. I guess this is the time to ask someone out if I'm going to do it. What's the problem? I developed a case of nerves. That is completely unlike me. No, seriously. I feel as though I have to do it, but I am not sure if I have it in me. I can't honestly explain it, and I'm not sure how to get over it. She is amazing, so this should be an easy, no-brainer step to just do it. Unfortunately, it very suddenly isn't that easy. I've never had this issue. Anyone stumbling across this have any thoughts?

Anyway, I have again been absent because of life. Oddly, it was life that drove me here before. Leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Walking in the Rain

Aug. 27th, 2016 | 06:33 pm

I have just returned from a misty walk. It was the kind of rain I experienced in Seattle. It was cool, light, and really didn't dampen my clothes much. I walked down the wide, grassy parkway, through transitioning neighborhood, before returning home. I needed time to reflect. After lying in bed, thinking for over an hour and standing outside for 10 minutes looking down the street and examining homes, I decided that a walk was the next logical option.

My grandmother's house will soon be sold to pay for her nursing home stay. My siblings will all be living in different places. I've had a few added health issues, that should resolve in time. My timeline to taking a coffee shop of my own to manage has been quickly moved up. Among the redefining of home, my health, my departed canine companion, and where I am in the world, there was a lot to ponder.

Touch would be helpful. You don't realize how important that is until you no longer have it. My mother was an affectionate parent. I was married. Even my dog provided some of that for me. An ex-coworker gave me a hug after my dog died, and then it hit me. I miss it. As much as I act among my friends that I can be an island, anyone who has read this blog knows better.

My mind also returned to a sizable enigma for me: With as smart as I am, how have I not solved my own life by now? Of course, IQ doesn't necessarily equate to knowleddge. It's just a marker of potential. I am thankful, though, to be nuerotypical, not having associated issues with autism or schizophrenia. As I walked through the nicer area of this neighborhood, it hit me that I was always capable of being among them and beyond but never realized it. Whether it was the early trauma of my health, the departure of Angela, or a combination of yet-to-be-realized mistakes, something happened that influenced everything.

As far as things happening in my head, I do have grapheme-color synesthesia. This is where, for me, numbers all have associated colors and the image of numbers and math show as color patterns in my head. It sounds benign. I never thought much about it until I Googled it recently. Apparently, it takes about 1/3rd the stimuli to activate parts of our brains. I guess I'm like a Chihuahua on crack. We also gravitate toward extraversion, are drawn to the arts, fantasize a lot, are more open and willing to try new things, and have a tendency to be less agreeable. I can be disagreeable when provoked, but who isn't? The rest make perfect sense. The fact there are associated personality characteristics actually bothers me a bit. I just have to remember that it's considered a phenomenon, not a diagnosis.

I plan on getting the records from Neuropsychology to gather the other labels. I initally ignored them, when they said that I do indeed have areas of weakness. I balked and found out they were right. Now, I'm curious about the rest of me. Know thyself.

I guess that this is a bit of a snapshot of where I am. I still haven't said anything to my manager, relationship-wise. Sadly, the longer I am unable do to a work policy, the less confident I am to eventually do so when able. This would be considered uncharacteristic of how I once was. Life in my neighborhood seems surreal. I don't hear from Amy, not that that's a bad thing. With all the other changes, fall is descending on the region. I guess I feel a little lost and am not sure what to do about it.

I suppose that's it. I haven't blogged for a while, as there has been much happening. I think the next step should be to move Max's bed and still-filled food bowl from beside my bed. I may read some tonight. I need to prep for an interview on Monday, as I'm still not sure of my current course, leading me to management. As always, leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Huh, Fascinating

Jul. 29th, 2016 | 07:36 pm

The internet turned 10,000 days old yesterday. That's an interesting thought. It's weird to think how the internet affects so much. I wouldn't be typing this without it. Remember when, I think it was, toys.com pushed it's website on TV to encourage people to get their children's Christmas presents there, and it was a disaster. Still, people tried it again the next year. I think that was about the time amazon.com debuted. Now, I check social media, blog, and Google symptoms. What a wonderful world.

Anyway, I need to go to bed. I started this way too late. Leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Just a Little Summer Left

Jul. 28th, 2016 | 09:40 am

Two days ago, I stepped outside for the first time that day, looked at my phone, and noticed it was 3:06. It hit me that it had been a while since I didn't get outside until that late in the day. Dogs need to be walked every morning, after all.

I may need another vascular surgery. This time it will be in my leg. Wunderbar. The doctor said that this surgery should turn out well. It is treating a circulatory symptom. What I really want is the root cause to be treated. After 10 years with RSD, I would really like an approach to treatment beyond vitamin C.

The summer has really flown. I don't feel as though I've properly taken advantage of it. I need to do something, well, summery. I haven't spent much time with friends. It's been a bit since I've walked around the lake. Admittedly, I feel a bit lonely, but some of that can be attributed to the loss of Max. I'm at a loss at the moment.

Anyway, that's me for now. Leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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The Next Phase

Jul. 22nd, 2016 | 07:55 pm

So I passed my interview process. I will start as an assistant manager before moving into management. I knew this wouldn't be an issue. I am very accustomed to interviewing in professional settings. Considering some of the people that I know who went into management, I figured the odds against me were negligible. Think of it like Usain Bolt at a middle school track meet. I realize that this may make me sound pompous, but people interviewing for these positions often never had much experience outside of such a setting or even ever had an interest prior to their one and only attempt. Their practice at interviewing is often limited to standardized behavioral interviews meant for part-time positions. I'm basically a pro at this stuff.

Life without Max is still painful. I haven't properly marched through the stages of grief. I'm much more stunned and anguished over the loss than I'm allowing people to see. I've had practice. I'm trying to move away from social media, as my outlet for semi-human contact. Initially, the bulk of my actual outreach was Facebook and Livejournal. I've moved away from that some. I went out with a friend tonight and am going to the public unveiling with another friend tomorrow for the new football stadium. He got a pair of tickets today and wanted to know if I would like to go.

My family did hold a funeral for him an live-streamed it for me to watch. It seemed a little bizarre, but I really did appreciate the gesture. They wanted to know where I wanted him buried back home. I suggested under the apricot tree. That seemed to be his favorite spot in the yard. They had flowers. People took turned saying things. My family can really annoy me, but sometimes, they do things like this. The position they laid him resembled one of his sleeping positions. The sad part was when my mother's dog, Baby, jumped into the hole and whined while nuzzling him, as if to try to get him to get up. When my mother got ill the last time, I took her dog to live in Minnesota with me. He and Max were best friends until my sister was able to care for him.

That's it for the evening. I, as you can imagine, have to be awake early tomorrow. I seem to be moving into a new phase in life. I moved from Amy's, lost Max, and am heading down a new career path. Life is weird again. I wish it was a better weird, at least with my buddy. Leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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Retracing My Steps

Jul. 21st, 2016 | 07:37 pm

I tend to get a lot more pensive around life altering changes. For the first time in nearly 10 years, I returned to where I got Max. I went back to the store with Max one more time, which I was encouraged to do, but his size and general squirminess made me unwilling to try that again in a mall setting. The store had other Goldendoodles but from another breeder. Also, while I got Max for almost nothing, his larger siblings were being sold for $499. Fast forward a decade, and you can add another $1,000-1,100 to that amount. Holy buckets. These were also second-generation dogs. They were actually a cross between a Standard Poodle and a Goldendoodle. They're less likely to shed. I would want a cross to get a decent amount of the Retriever characteristics in his or her personality.

After this, I went to the store where Angela and I would take Max for treats and food. It had since been remodeled. What I was hoping to see and possibly collect was a picture of Max we left for a pet wall they had. Unfortunately, the wall went with the remodel, so there wasn't a picture to find. On that note, I really regret not spending the money to get a professional photo of Max.

Anyway, I have to finish my freelance work for tomorrow. The district and area managers will be at the store for a visit. At that time, I should hear the results of my interview. I can only imagine it's good. Anyway, leave a comment if you wish. Later.

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